Featured Stories, Week of January 27, 2019: Fictional Yelp Reviews, Part ONE


Each week we feature stories from members of our group based on the weekend meeting's prompt assignment. For our January 27th meeting, Marcy and Bryan made up twelve fictional businesses and put them in an envelope. We each drew one business, and wrote for ten minutes, with the prompt "Write a Yelp review for these fictional businesses." Each was so much fun that we have decided to share them all in this week's featured stories. (This is part one of two.) Enjoy!

Cthulhu Arms Bed & Breakfast

A lovely little resting place in a quaint & creepy New England coastal town.

By Roxas Cole

Since the apocalypse, it’s been hard to enjoy anything truly relaxing, but Cthulhu Arms Bed & Breakfast is the perfect little get away from the brimstone and gravity hole. I’d give this place a 4 out of 5 stars. I say 4 because my husband had to fight a hell hound off of him at the welcome gate, and he’s allergic, but other than that it was such a lovely stay. The couple who own it used to be alive, but the Great One reanimated them for the sole purpose of owning a bed and breakfast. They’re the perfect ghosts…I mean hosts. We stayed in the master’s suite which came with someone chained to the bed post saying, “What can I get you master?”. You don’t get more authentic than that. Our window view was just the most darling shot of the bay. The radiation smog makes the sky an eternal pink. I could stare at it all day, but there’s a time limit so you don’t burn your eyes out. Like I said, the hosts are so thoughtful. While you’re there, they even provide new burlap clothes. This place really has it all. If we live tomorrow, we would definitely book another trip to Cthulhu Arms Bed & Breakfast. It’s almost like the pollution won’t kill you, and that is a real treat. In this day and age, people don’t remember how to take a vacation, and I highly recommend coming here. 4 STARS

Merrye Masons Castle and moat construction, since 1325.

We kick the buttresses of the competition!

By Ryan Carbery

Let me, from the outset, stress that the bar is particularly low when it comes to moating services. The hard work of castle fortification has been done with the walls and ramparts and such and so all one is to expect from the moatery is that they dig a trench around the castle and fill it with water. While there have been from time to time fascination with such novelties such as crocodiles and the exotic flesh eating fish of the new world, in the end this is a straight forward narrow body of water surrounding your fortification in an effort to confound seize machines. In principle this should be the job of any simpleton with an abundance of shovels and access to a large amount of water.

It is with this low level of expectations that we drafted the services of the Merrye Masons. Let me first warn would be castle fortification provisioners that their shingle is particularly misleading. Nary a single dragon in a jesters outfit was employed in the process of digging our ditch. This misdirection gave the distinct impression that the moat would be finished in record time as one assumed that while it was unclear why the dragon wore the jesters outfit, we assumed it would not hinder the dragon in the act of ditch digging. We were told that this was 'marketing', a ploy in which to make their business to stand out and be memorable. If disappointment is how one wants to be remembered than they have achieved their goal.

Perhaps more dissapointing however was that the jester outfits were not part of the deception. Fourteen colorfully festooned laborers showed up on the sixth day after contracting with their earth moving device to begin digging our moat. After the disappointment of not being accompanied by a dragon, this was unsettling. Further, the peasantry outside the castle walls had assumed that we had lost our minds and decided to hire jestures instead of establish the safety of the kingdom. I assure you that no matter how good a repore you have with your subjects it is difficult to convince 400 scared peasants that the ridiculous men pounding stakes in the ground and running string are there for anything other than elaborate theater for a kingdom gone mad.

While eventually a ditch was dug and water retrieved, but the shores were sloped making the moat perhaps more for recreation than for safety. While this won back the peasentry we don't feel that we have increased our safety. Avoid at all costs. NO STARS

Nail in the Coffin Salon

Specializing in claw sharpening, shaping and polishing – open from sundown to sunup. No UV gel polish used here. Thralls welcome.

By Bryan Mahoney

Master bring me to Coffin Salon. Master tell me stay, wait in lobby or else he turn me into cockroach. Master turn me into cockroach anyway.

Miss Stella make Master's nails sharp and deadly so Master cut through neck quick. Master want quick-dry nail and Miss Stella say he wait. Master no like wait.

Master's eyes go black. Me find cheese crumb on floor. Me eat cheese with cockroach fingers. Me also fly now. Miss Stella blood fly good now too.

***

I must say, my first experience at Nail in the Coffin was lovely. They cater to those with ... exclusive needs ... and they love to make their customers at home.

Each salon chair is brushed with dirt from Eastern Europe. The chilled pigs' blood is a decent vintage considering where you're drinking it. The Bordell-eaux is particularly inviting - you'll think you were sipping it in the east of France!

The establishment is kept somewhat tidy - relatively little in the way of meatbags. My only complaint is the quick-dry non-UV black polish. They claimed it dried immediately and could withstand heavy use, but when I tried it on Miss Stella the paint bubbled a bit.

Plenty of floor crumbs for my pets. 4 STARS

WTF Cleaners

Any stain, any location, we clean it and keep it quiet. No questions asked.

By Susan Lee

I had an urgent need for a cleaner. Well, I always have an urgent need for a cleaner, but this time, it was very, truly, really urgent. And WTF Cleaners came to my rescue.

In my line of work, cleaners are essential. Nobody works without one and the cleaners I used to have don't exist anymore after a cleaning job in Brussels that they screwed up.

This time, I needed a cleaner late at night, which WTF Cleaners apparently specialize in. One of my colleagues passed their number on to me after they helped her clean after very difficult assignment, getting most of the detritus disposed of quietly and efficiently.

I made the call around midnight after I had finished with my job. It was messier than I had anticipated due to the dog and the parakeet, but WTF assured me they could handle any job, large or small. I explained to them that this might entail disposal of a large bundle as the job had weighed almost 300 lbs. And, again, they assured me that they had enough bodies to handle this. They also assured me that they would handle the job with the utmost discretion.

They arrived promptly, which was perfect because I didn't really want to stay around too long after the job. High class neighborhood with nosy neighbors. Not only were their vehicles quiet and unobtrusive, the cleaners themselves could not have been more professional. They handled things well when I requested an additional service that would require handling of a couple of the overly curious neighbors. This was dispatched with a minimum of disruption and attention.

WTF finished the job quickly and with minimum spillage. Their disposal of the assets went without a hitch and they assured me that the assets would not be exposed at any point, avoiding any conflicts with authorities.

I appreciate that WTF accepts all kinds of currency for payment as I hadn't yet had the chance to exchange my rubles for American dollars. They even suggested a wire transfer from the Caymans would suffice.

I would highly recommend WTF for any job you may have, whether in dealing with a single asset or something a little more complicated. I will definitely use them for my next job. 4 STARS

TOP O’ THE SHARTS WEDDING BAND

Boogie your special night away with our decades playlists. Lactose-free weddings only.

By Laurel Haberman

Let me tell you a story: Once upon a time, there was a beautiful, smart, talented and incredibly humble woman, named Shyanne (me) and her adorable, awesome, fantastic, incredible crybaby of a soon-to-be ex-husband, Carl. What we wanted was a yuletide wedding to remember. What we got was more like a Nightmare Before Christmas that we would rather just forget!

My bestest sweetest forever friend, Sheila Stump, had recommended the band from her wedding, The Rooty Tooty Shake Your Bootie Dixieland Klezmer Band, but they were already booked for a Bar Mitzvah Bon Voyage birthright trip party…whatever that is. So, I called the band with the biggest ad in the good old Yellow Pages. The Top O’ the Sharts Wedding Band, to be precise. Well, let me tell you this, boys and girls, they should have called themselves Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Sharts Club Band! Like my dear mama, Sharlene, later told me: it’s not the size of the ad but the pep in their step. They were pooped out, past their prime and left me lonely on the dance floor.

I can’t rightly blame the Sharts for Carl’s getting sick and losing his fine catered lunch all over the Baby Jesus centerpiece my Aunt Sharanda had crocheted the day I was born. I’m sure there was some lactose in that poinsettia fondant someplace. Carl is intolerant. Very intolerant. The band arrived late, wearing something old, blue, borrowed and god awful as sin. From the first note, it was all feedback and falsetto. Once we got Carl cleaned up and out on the dance floor, the band played our song. I should say the Pat Boone studs-and-leather version of our song, “Yes, Jesus Loves Me.” That’s when Carl began to cry. My darling daddy, Sheriff Sharples, did not appreciate dancing with his baby girl to something called “Love Gun,” by a band named Kiss, whoever that is.

So, why did I give Top O’ the Sharts three stars? Well, the bass player is awfully cute and real real good. Better than all the other Sharts combined. In fact, he’s left those Sharts long behind. I’ll tell you what, if you ever need a wedding and bar mitzvah bass trio, I can highly recommend Steve Schlitz’s Holy Schlitz and Shinola. They should be available real soon, right after we get back from Tijuana, Mexico. Once the divorce is final, me and Steve is getting hitched! 3 STARS

Shyanne S.

Butte, MT

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